By: Jamie Burton; MBA, Executive Director of Christian Family Services
Fall of my junior year of college. Beautiful mountain air, the leaves are turning. Excitement of the year to come. Who I will meet? What new things will I learn? What new adventures will I have with my friends? This year was full of excitement and new things. It was also a year of learning personal lessons. Hard personal and emotional lessons.
A couple of weeks into the new year, one of the boys in my dorm caught my eye. He was quiet and tall with incredible blue eyes that just sucked you in. He seemed to have so many stories of traveling abroad. When he told them, you could imagine them as if you were there yourself. We began talking more and more over the next few weeks. Soon after we started dating. Everything seemed so fun and natural. I just knew I was "In Love".
Christmas Break
Like all students, I went home for Christmas break. I was working to pay for school. This break I was a baker. I would go in at 2:00 a.m. and be off early morning. This was perfect so I could ski the rest of the day. One of the fun benefits of this job was a free ski pass. YAHOO!!!
One morning driving in I started thinking about my cycle. How long had it been since my last period? A WHILE......I stopped by the local Seven Eleven and bought a pregnancy test. It is 2:10 a.m. I am sitting in the bathroom of the bakery waiting. Praying that I do not get the + sign. No such luck.
I was terrified. Thoughts were going through my mind that I couldn't stop. How am I going to finish school? What will my mom think? What am I going to do? How will my boyfriend feel? Will he still love me? Will he want this baby? Maybe I should go to the doctor to be sure?
Amazingly! I got into the doctor the next afternoon. I was sure that it was a faulty test. Really there was no way I could be pregnant. Well, not that I did not do the deed, but that just was not part of my plan. The nurse called my name. I peed in the cup and waited in the room. Soon after the doctor came in. She said exactly what I did not want to hear. I was pregnant. Oh boy.... Now it is time to do an ultrasound and try to find the heartbeat. When she put the heartbeat monitor or whatever it was to my tummy, my whole world changed. This beautiful little pitter patter was the most amazing sound I had ever heard. Oh my gosh. I am going to be a mom. Oh no, I am going to be a mom. What am I going to do?
Calling the Boyfriend
This is not the call most girls want to make. I am sure it is the last thing that boyfriends want to hear. They are just wanting to say hi, talk about not much of anything and get on with their day. Not this call.
He answered. We talked for a few minutes. I was shaking. I was so scared. Well, here goes. I told him I had to talk to him about something important. "I'm pregnant". Nothing on the other line. "Did you hear me? I'm pregnant". He asks if I am sure. I explain to him about the test, the doctor, the heartbeat. He immediately says, "You have to get an abortion. If you don't you are ruining three lives." I tell him no. I already heard the heartbeat. I could not do it. His response, "Then it is over. We are over. This baby will never know who I am, never see a dime from me. Don't call me, don't contact me."
I was heartbroken. I thought he loved me. How could he do this to me. What now?
Telling the Family and Friends
Well, now it was time to tell my mom. Surly she will understand and be loving. She was a young mom. What a disaster. I told her. She was so upset she didn't talk to me for three days. She was devastated. She wanted me to finish school. She was so sad for me. Over time, she became my biggest support; but it took time.
My friends were shocked. They expected me to have an abortion and get on with my life. How could I be a single mom? Why would I do that to myself and this baby? Slowly, one by one, they started only talking to me here and there. What would we talk about; we now had really nothing in common.
The Community
Have you ever noticed how people look at young pregnant women? Have you ever seen how churches react to a young pregnant woman? If not, let me explain. You are shamed. How dare you get pregnant? You must be a dirty girl. My kids cannot be around you; they might get some bad ideas from you. Look at her, you do not want to be like her. Very few people were kind.
Working Through My Pregnancy
Well, it was time for me to figure things out. I am pregnant. I am an adult. I am going to be a mom. I need to get a job with benefits and start saving for this new life I am bringing into the world. It will not be easy, but I can do it.
I got a job working in a group home for developmentally disabled adults. It was perfect. I could work nights, I had benefits. Perfect. I could have my mom watch the baby at night, and I would be home during the day. No daycare costs, this is great. So, this went on through the rest of my pregnancy.
I saved. I planned. I bought all the baby gear, clothes, blankets; everything. I was going to make this work. I was sure I could do this on my own.
Reality Hits
Reality is not something we all love. Sometimes it is great. Many times, it hurts. This was one of those times. It is getting close. I am 32 weeks along. Excitement is building. Like every mom, I am thinking about the life we would have together. What would he would be like? What would his interests be? This is when reality really hit. How will I tell him that his dad didn't want him? I know what that feels like. It is heartbreaking. Do I want to do that to him? I can work hard and try to pay for his interests, but will I be able to go to his concerts and games? Is this the dream I would have for him? Is this the life I want for him?
No.
Adoption Agency
I called Christian Family Services. I talked to Pam. She was so sweet and loving. No judgement at all. She wanted me to come in and learn about adoption. Learn what my options were, connect me with resources if I chose to parent. Of course, we had to meet soon. This baby is due NOW. The next day we met. I told her I was sure that this was the best thing for my baby. I wanted so much more than I could provide. He deserved to have his mom in the cheering section for whatever he was interested in. He deserved to have a dad that loves him. He should be able to learn about and do whatever he wanted; sports, art, singing, and more. He should go on vacations. I could not provide him with that. I needed help finding the family that could.
I told her everything that I was looking for in a family. I wanted a family with faith, that loved the outdoors, camped, hiked, spent time together, siblings and a few other things. She showed me two families. One was a couple out of state with two brown cocker spaniels. They seemed very sweet. Not a match for me.
I opened the file of the second family. I knew immediately that they were the ones. They had pictures of them outdoors. They had two kids already that they had adopted. Mom was a teacher; dad was an engineer. Mom would stay home with the baby when they got one. They were everything and more than what was looking for. I was so excited.
We scheduled a time to meet the next day. Fast, I know, but the days were counting down until this baby was coming. I was very nervous. I was worried they wouldn't like me. I was worried that they would judge me.
They walk in. The dad walked up to me as I was sitting down. He got on his knees and cried and said, "Thank you for giving this child life. We may not be the family you are wanting but Thank you for giving this child life". I was amazed to see such emotion from a man. He seemed so genuine. We talked for an hour. As we talked, I knew in my heart that this was the right thing to do. As they were getting ready to leave, I asked them if they would be ready to be parents again in two weeks. They were shocked. I did not look like I was that far along. They said yes and other things, but I can't remember exactly what was said now.
The Hospital
A week and a half later, I went into labor. I had contractions for 26 hours before they were close enough to go in. My mom drove me to the hospital. I got checked in. Someone came into the room and wanted to see how dilated I was. Only 4 cm. I had a way to go. They were going to send me home. They turned around and all of a sudden, I felt hot liquid coming out of me. I told them and they assured me that it was just the KY. I looked to be sure. IT WASN'T.
Blood. Blood everywhere. The nurses started coming in. Asking me all sorts of questions. What kind of drugs I had been on? What was I taking? OMG REALLY!!! I am having a baby. Why would I take drugs? They said this only happens when you are on drugs. (VERY WRONG by the way) They were so mean. I was rushed into emergency delivery. Delivery was hard. I lost a lot of blood. What was worse is that the baby lost a lot of blood as well. He ended up in ICU. They said he would be there for 72 hours. I was devastated. I told the family that I only wanted 24 hours with him. If he was in ICU, I wouldn't get 24 hours.
All I could do was hope and pray. Pray for this baby that he would be ok. Pray that I would get to see him. He was a strong little thing, 12 hours later he was with me. BEAUTIFUL. That is how I would describe him. He was so quiet and calm. He was so soft and smelled so good. He had the most beautiful blue eyes, blond fuzz for hair. I was IN LOVE. He was perfect.
The next day, Pam came to the hospital. She had a car seat. She had tears in her eyes. She knew what I was about to do. She knew how I was going to feel. The deep pain only a birth mom could have. I had a gift for him, a scrapbook with pictures of me and my family. I also had a letter for him. He needed to know about me. He needed to know I loved him. I would never seek him out. This was my choice. If we were to see each other again, he would need to reach out to me. I cried. I didn't want to let him go. But I knew in my heart what was best for him. I handed him to Pam.
A deep pain came over me like no other pain I had ever had. It overwhelmed me emotionally and physically. It was time for me to go home too. Home with my grief and sorrow. Home to be alone. I could not walk. I did not want to talk to anyone. I did not want to eat. I just needed to be alone. This was me for a week. Overwhelmed with what I had done. Knowing that I loved this child so much that I knew that I was not the right person to be his parent.
A New Plan
I knew the coming months would continue to be hard. I was going to be a mom. I planned on being a mom. I loved my son. But he wasn't mine. I needed to plan. I could not stay in this place of grief and not move forward. He had his wonderful life with his family. I needed to create myself a new life. Get my second chance to do it right. I needed to go back to college. Not the same college with the boyfriend. I needed a fresh start on my own. I found my school. Went back to work. I poured everything into my new start; my second chance at life. My pain and loss were not going to be in vain,
I worked full time, took 16-18 credit hours for the next year and a half. It was not easy. I still thought about my son. The family sent me pictures and letters every month for the first year. That gave me assurance that I did the right thing. He looked so loved and happy. I graduated with a double major in Biology and Psychology. He got his family. I got my future. I wasn't done. I had more to do. I decided to go to grad school. Two years later, I graduated with my MBA.
My Prince Charming
While I was finishing my BA, my friend had been working on getting me to meet this guy. She couldn't understand how I was not interested in dating. I kept telling her I had a plan and some boy was not going to ruin it for me. I had already learned that lesson. This went on for over six months. I finally gave in after I graduated. I started grad school. I really didn't have time for a boy, but I was tired of my friend pestering me. We decided that dinner and renting a movie as a group would be okay, relaxed, and no pressure. He walked up to the door with my friend. He was tall, slim, and very quiet. He seemed nice. We talked about our likes and hobbies. We had a lot in common. He was working and finishing up his BA. We decided to meet again. After three months I knew he could be someone who was worth risking my heart for. Two and a half years later, we got married.
Infertility
Our first few years were so fun. I had just finished my masters and started a new job. My prince charming finished school and had a great job as well. We bought a house. Got two golden retrievers. Life was perfect. Now it was time to have a family.
I was sure that getting pregnant would not be a problem. Obviously, I had been pregnant before. Well, it was not that easy. I was not ovulating anymore. Not sure why, but I wasn't. Fertility drugs were my only option. NOT FUN. These medications make you CRAZY! Not ideal for creating an atmosphere to make a baby. Three years later, still no baby. I was heartbroken. I did the right thing and placed my first baby. Why was I not able to have a baby now, when I am doing things the right way?
I called the adoption agency. Pam answered. She was loving and happy to hear from me. We had stayed in touch over the years, but it had been a while. I told her about my infertility and said we were wanting to start the process of adopting a baby. She sent the paperwork. I started filling out the paperwork during lunch. My phone rang. It was my doctor. I was pregnant. My prayers had been answered.
The Call
I continued to stay in touch with Pam over the years. We would get together and talk about life. I knew her family. We were close. I would share about my two girls, the dogs, and my prince charming. I stayed home with my girls until they started school. Soon after I decided to become a substitute teacher to bring in some extra income while they were at school. I would have their same hours and breaks from school. This was ideal. After 10 years, I was ready for a change. I decided to go back into IT and work part time.
January 2019 Pam called me. She knew I loved adoption. I was a birth mom, went through infertility, and started the adoption process. I was full circle. She asked me to take over the agency. She wanted to semi-retire. I talked to my Prince Charming and we decided it would be good. I am now the Executive Director of Christian Family Services.
I know that not everyone understands adoption. What I will say is that I have NEVER met a birth mom who didn't love their baby. When a birth mom places a baby, she is giving the biggest piece of her heart to someone else who can provide everything she is not able to at that time. She is giving her baby every dream she has for that baby.
As someone who dealt with infertility, I understand the pain, waiting, and need to have a family. Adoptive couples go through their own grief. Grief of the baby they could not have on their own. They are a gift to that baby. A gift of a family and a better life.
When I placed my son, he got a chance for a better life that I could not provide. I also got a second chance to build the life I wanted and needed. Adoption is beautiful.
This is my story.
Edited By: Manda Jones; Editor in Chief and CEO of Manda & Friends
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