This is not meant to be a shame fest. It is about awareness and learning other realities so that maybe you, like me, will change our hearts and minds and let go of some preconceptions.
Remember when pregnant moms had there moment of awareness? Where they spoke out against people touching their stomach just because they were with child; rightfully so! So here is that moment for the rest of US.
This has been authored by the Mom’s of Manda & Friends!
During a rough financial turn after the 2008 recession, Eric and I lived in an apartment complex without a washer and dryer and for a short time; had to use a laundromat. Ajna was barely two years old and as a new mother and what felt like constant financial anguish, spending quality time with my beautiful daughter brought me great joy. So, she accompanied me everywhere, even to the laundromat. I will never forget the following experience because of one man, asking one question.
As I was doing laundry, her busy mind and body was experiencing boredom, so I gave her a quarter to get a bouncy ball from the vending machine. She was happily playing while I was tirelessly folding. An hour or so later, a man walked in and began doing his laundry. After a few minutes of watching us interact and play together, he said to me, “She’s beautiful!” I said, “Thank you!” He then asked, “Is she your daughter?” I replied, “Yes, she is.” A couple moments later he asked, “What country is she from?”
At first, I was confused by this question and was sure he meant no harm, but I began to think to myself, “What does he mean what country is she from?” Then I realized he assumed she was adopted because her skin color was much darker than mine. I admit, I took offense to his question. Numerous thoughts were going through my head as to how I would and/or should respond to his question. Should I answer it simply and just say, “She was born here, in Colorado.” Or should I provide such a response that would not only answer his question, rather literally, but place a reminder to his future self to never make assumptions, especially based on skin color, and ask a mother a question like that again?
I chose the latter. So, my answer to his insensitive question was simply, “My Gina.” I feel confident in saying he was quite perplexed by my answer by his lack of response. #biracialfamily
SAFETY TIPS:
1. If you’re the only adult present when loading and unloading laundry to and from a laundromat, safely put your child into the car seat first, (lock the door if need be) then retrieve your laundry.
2. When you see a woman with a child (and/or children) whom have lighter or darker skin tones than she, refrain from asking if they are hers, because you may get your ass handed to you. Mothers come in many shapes, sizes and colors.
“Which ones are ‘really’ yours??” The kids where present, thankfully they were old enough to know how people can be. #relativeadoptionmom
Things I have experienced as a birth mom....
Several years ago, I was speaking to a group of high school students on a panel that consisted of a few birth moms, an adoptee, and an adoptive couple. The kids were very respectful. They listened to all of us. There were a few things that stood out to me; that were either said or asked. Interestingly enough, most of the questions or statements were from the boys. The girls seemed either disinterested or very uncomfortable with the subject. Here is what was asked or said: “I could never give my blood away!” First, this wasn’t a pint of blood. This was a baby. My decision had nothing to do with my bloodline. It was made based on the opportunities and quality of life I wanted my son to have. “How could you just give your baby away?” Birth mom’s just do not “give their babies away”. My son was not like a can of soda I gave to someone because they were thirsty. Gifting him with his family that could provide for him and give him every opportunity he deserved and needed was what I did. It is actually one of the most heart wrenching things I have ever done in my life.
When talking to adults, I have had many different responses. I am aware that adoption, especially talking to a birth mom is very uncomfortable for people. A lot of people change the subject right away. Others just look at me with shocked looks on their faces not knowing how to respond. I have also had people be afraid to talk about it with me because they are afraid to hurt my feelings. To be honest, I would rather them ask me or tell me their thoughts. I am very happy with my decision. It was the best thing for my son. I got to finish college and grad school and later get married and have my girls. I think it is okay to respond to a birth mom and say, “I don’t know what to say” or “I don’t know how to respond”. I have had several people tell me things when I have had to say that exact thing.
Here are some interesting responses I have had....
“Well, I am pro-life, so I suppose I should support what you did!” This made me giggle a bit inside. I am sure this was said to me because the person didn’t know what to say.
“I don’t believe in adoption. It is not okay. If you can’t parent, you should have an abortion.” This one really surprised me. I couldn’t personally live with myself if I had had an abortion. That is just me. Not to mention, so many couples build their families through adoption. #birthmom
Editor’s Note: Maybe if we broke the stigma’s around what it means to be a birth mom, more women would go that route? We will not know if we do not stop the slut shaming, shunning, and forced silence most birth moms feel. The situation should not be taboo, it should be embraced with love and compassion.
1. I was at Target with my kids in August, spent an hour filling the cart with school supplies and groceries for the week. My 8-year-old (who suffers from Reactive Attachment Disorder) asked for a toy and I made the decision to say "no" that day. Kid threw meltdown tantrum, throwing things in the aisle, screaming a blood-curdling scream that could be heard 1/2 mile away. When I tried to remove him from the store, he had grabbed onto the column in the aisle and I physically had to detach him and drag him out of the store, planning to abandon the cart I had just worked so hard to fill. As I was wrangling both kids towards the front door, an older lady came towards me wagging her finger and said "Shame on you... I raised six kids and none of them EVER acted so horribly in a public place. You should be embarrassed. You are FAILING as a mother." I was mortified. At that point, my kid had been in various types of therapies or treatments for six years. He was adopted and neglected by his foster mom before we got him. I doubt her kids had any real issues that she was dealing with! I cried the whole rest of the evening, because, in fact, I spent EVERY DAY feeling like a failure as a mother.
2. I was in line at the grocery store and a lady commented on my beautiful boys from Guatemala. I think they were 4 and 1. "Thank you, I said"... "Where did you get them?" (This is a stupid question! MAYBE could have been phrased differently.) "Guatemala" I replied, ignoring her ignorance. "Well then, you should have a really nice yard someday. Their people are VERY good at landscaping." I was flabbergasted. They actually didn't come with a lawn mower...
3. There are so many inappropriate things people say when they see you with kids of a different race. First of all, I'm not a saint. I didn't go into adoption to try to save the world... I just wanted to be a mom. Don't make me out to be a martyr. Second of all, it's not your business where I got them (unless maybe you have friends or family who adopted from somewhere and want to discuss that!), how much they "cost" (you know they can hear you...), or what happened to their "real" family. When my son was in first grade once, a mom asked him what happened to his "real" mom and he replied, "That's her right there. She's real. You can touch her if you want." Because yes, I AM the REAL MOM!!! #foreignadoptionmom
I have been guilty of this myself.... Do not ask, “when are you going to have a baby?!” She could have just had her second miscarriage, 15th negative pregnancy test, or simply does not want them and we need to check ourselves in that situation. You really do not know what is going on, even with close family and friends. It is such an intimate subject. Said it? Feel like I am shaming you? I HAVE done this… to people that I should not have. No shame, lots of grace, and do better! I am guilty too! I have become more self-aware as I read other human experiences or hear privately from a Friend of Manda & Friends; I have also been on the other end. Having everyone asking me when I was going to have kids, unknown to them, we were trying… One conversation was during a visit to my cousin’s house with my grandma sticks out.
My cousin was kind enough to host a Mary Kay party back when I was selling it. It was during the time that we had lost our children and they had been reunified. The wound was fresh and the deepest cut I have ever sustained. One of the women that came in as we were getting things ready asked me how many kids I had? It stopped me dead in my tracks. I remember the internal dialogue. ‘Holy shit! I do not have kids!” I was polite and said “No.” Then escaped to my cousins dining room to get my tears out and cleaned up to proceed with my day. The women meant no harm, it was not a malicious comment in any way; you just do not know what another is going through. Grandma asked me about it on the way home, I admitted I had to step away because it broke my soul to say I did NOT have kids… in my heart I had three beautiful baby boys out there in the world. No one would understand that, and I did not want to even attempt to explain. My grandma really seemed to see my pain. A pain most do not acknowledge.
Around three years after the boys came home, I walked into a family function and an Uncle looked at me and said. “Are those the same kids you had last time?” This one still makes me shake my head and laugh. Yep! I have literally never had any other children… ever. He also was not trying to be malicious. He had some perception of what adopting through foster care was and he is not completely wrong. Placements get disrupted all the time. Yet, having my kids hear that and look up at me confused, made me sad at the time. Now it just makes me shake my head and laugh a bit. If you cannot find the humor… you will go crazy!
The County Fair in my hometown is something my kids have only missed once in their life with us I believe. So, they have been about nine times and now everyone knows them. During the time my kids were reunified I through myself into being busy. I was asked to come back to my hometown and help Judge the local Junior Pageant. I did not talk about the kids during this time with anyone. In the months after the pageant I not only got all my boys back, my daughter was born. She was a couple weeks old when I ran into a couple that had judged with me. They did not ask any questions when I walked up them wearing my daughter on my chest. I did kind of give them a condensed version of events. I am sure they were confused but had boundaries. Then walking to the bathrooms to change a diaper, I ran into a high school classmate. She said “hi” then she looked at my daughter and said, “Oh! Did you finally have one of your own!?” I know she has always been blunt. She has been my friend most our lives and yes, I still consider her a friend. I give her grace in that situation. It just is not something you should say to a mom. Ever.
Another County Fair comment came from another friend. This was about two years ago. My kids were all standing right next to me when she said, “Wow! So, they really have the same parents!?” You really do not know how to respond. It feels pretty violating. The fact the kids were there made this little pressure cooker I had just walked into that much more uncomfortable. I do not really remember my response, but I was holding back the tears as I smiled and walked away. The labels maybe just make it worse. They are MY kids. I know that.
In an actual Medical Record: ‘The patient is married. She has several adopted children. Her younger sister also resides with them in the home. She does work as a freelance writer. She indicates that she would like to return to Colorado state University for a graduate degree.’
Ummm… Do you biological parents have these types of comments in your records? Genuinely curious. They were not, ‘several adopted children’? They are four individual humans that are MY children. Who writes this stuff? Saying ‘several adopted children’ makes them sound like feral cats! They are literal humans. I am pretty sure when asked the question I did not say I had “several adopted children.” Not a chance I said that. It’s offensive to write.
“They were adopted. Really?! That just sounds like something someone from my church would do; not you guys.” This woman and I had not known each other long, but vaginal or c-section came up when she was talking about how cute the twins were. I get that I have three sons that are not even a year apart; Irish Triplets. So, it is not the first time I have been asked birthing and pregnancy question or been solicited for advise. I have four kids. I get it. But I have never even been pregnant. The woman was also genuinely confused that an atheist adopted children. Genuinely, it seems to shock her. I really care about this woman and wish her well. She has a beautiful family and who knows!? Maybe meeting us changed her heart a little.
Probably the most offensive; "They will be okay, you are raising them white!" That will make me flip my lid and has!
“Why didn’t their parents want them?” Yeah… I have been asked this a lot. They did; the rest is no one else’s damn business. If you ask questions like this, understand there has never been a mother who didn’t want to, they are just sometimes not capable. They are human too. Think of the emotion you feel for your kids… birth moms feel that too. #fosteradoptivemom
Thank you for sharing with us!
Oh boy do I have plenty of these...
From asking if my white dad is my “real dad” when I was a kid to people assuming that my ex-husband is the father of my child.
On the medical front, I actually have “single mother” listed in the “diagnosis” section on one of my discharge papers. I tore my labrum.
And in my own foot-in-mouth moment, a college classmate was pregnant, and about a week after the baby was born, I emailed her our assignments and lead in with, “How ARE you?!?! Aren’t you just LOVING motherhood?!” I did not know that her son was born with a severe lung defect and passed away less than 24 hours later. I was…