Written & Edited By: Manda Jones; Editor in Chief & CEO of Manda & Friends LLC
I remember sitting in the room with my husband and our fertility specialist at the University of Colorado. The specialist explained we had a one in a million chance of conceiving without IVF/ICSI and he could not promise that our chances would be great then.
I blurted out, “We will just adopt then.”
My husband was a little wide eyed. I had always known, since about 17 years old, that I would have reproductive issues. My husband knew this going in; but for him, he always assumed they would be able to correct the challenge via fertility treatments and had not really entertained adoption.
Soon he was on board, but it would take time. We needed to process what we had just lost. It is hard as an adoptive mother because you LOVE your children so fiercely, yet some of us at least, do grieve the loss of their fertility. Raised around livestock my whole life I had the picture in my mind that I would be the first cow sent to slaughter. Those are the types of analogies I grew up with. It made me feel worthless. The one thing I was put on this Earth to do as a mammal was reproduce. I was not going to have that sweet moment in the delivery room with just my husband as we burst into tears over the joy of this baby with my big brown eyes and curls, and his red hair and freckles. My vision was taken from me by my own body. No one to blame and no external factor I could control. They couldn’t explain my serious PCOS, which caused me to lose both ovaries at 27, because I was 140 lbs. at the time. It can sometimes be resolved with weight loss; at a healthy weight they could not explain it. My doctor said and I quote; “You probably have something we have not discovered yet and it does not like your lady parts.” That was the doctor that did my first laparoscopy and burned off endometriosis lesions that had adhered to my bladder, colon, abdominal wall… it was a mess in there. Becoming a mother does not negate what you have gone through to become one. There is hurt that you live with and its okay. You can love your children and morn your fertility. We need to break that stigma right now.
I had family that adopted my from foster care; I felt strongly we do the same. Domestic Adoption was definitely second on the list and maybe knowing how emotionally tragic adopting through foster care would be; I may have chosen differently. I know that I was meant to be my kids’ mom and their dad was meant to be their dad. It is fate that brought us together. The process though, was enough to break anyone.
The roller coaster is real. We were used to obstacles. We have had a few hurtles to jump; some astronomically high. Adopting through foster care threw some boulders in the road that literally took years to move!
Obstacle one; figuring out HOW to adopt through foster care. This was in 2008. So Google was not turning up the results needed. I kept coming up with nothing. Then one day I was driving to work, volleyball coach at the time; I saw a digital billboard for the County’s Foster-Adopt Program. So, I took down the number. We finally got a hold of the right person and got into a foster-adopt specific program. We did all the classes, extra reading required, and more; we wanted to be overly prepared to give our baby the best life. During our home study we specified we would like one child, 0-12 months old. I was only 22 years old when I became a mother and didn’t think it would make sense for me to have a six-year-old. We then went through separate interviews, couples’ interview, some basic financial disclosures, CPR Cert (again), home inspection, three-character witness’ statements and what felt like 100 other pages were included in the finalized application and we sent it off to be approved or not approved.
I cannot remember how long it took to get the approval call. It felt like forever, but I know it was in December 2008. Not sure why I had the anxiety thinking we would be denied; the APPROVED stamp to us was good as gold.
Then the real wait started. It was closing in on six months and if they had not gotten us a placement at that point we could take their home study and move on. We had decided that if it got to six months, we would take our home study and certification to a domestic adoption agency and go the private route. In the fourth month I had told our certification worker we would do short-term emergency placements while we waited if it did not interfere with us getting our “forever” baby. Still nothing until month five.
I talk about getting the “call” in a separate piece. But from that call on, our lives were no longer ours. The sad part is it felt like it had little to do with children. We were taught in our classes that reunification is priority one, because DHS has a bad history of stealing babies and adopting them out. So, they radically went to the other end of the spectrum. Yes, reunification is what everyone hopes for; far fewer hearts broken and lives changed forever. What I learned that I think should be addressed in legislation is a time frame that is realistic because what happened to my children was unacceptable. (Their birth mom agrees.)
The roller coaster started off with the caseworker saying they would be returning to birth mom in a couple weeks or months. It was hard to hear because the moment they came home I could picture a grand life for them, and for us. So, I decided in that moment I would assist however I could with reunification.
Mind you we didn’t think we were getting a child after month five of an 11-month process. So, we spent our saving fixing my car. Then we got kids. Yes, you get a stipend when you are fostering as well as WIC and Medicaid. All great. Aside from Medicaid NONE of those things were immediate and it takes a month or a little more to get your first stipend and WIC had to be set up. Here we were scraping up money to take care of three babies that, literally came with the clothes on their back. We had family help, but again that wasn’t immediate. We had three babies in diapers. Twins needed formula because prior, the relative placement gave them watered down whole milk. They needed things and that first month was hard financially, physically, and emotionally.
We had our first visit with birth parents either the next day or soon after. I was so scared and freaking out. I was trying to survive three babies, keep the house up; life! Now I had this idea in my head they had to be perfectly groomed and not a drip in their diaper when they saw their birth parents so they would know they were loved and cared for. I also was pretty scared of social services. It’s a pretty strong force and controlled us, the kids, the birth parents, and the caseworkers. I do not remember much other than exchanging names with them… I know we chatted, but I cannot remember what about; probably the kids.
That was the moment I realized, “They are not monsters….” After hearing what had happened to my children, in my head, I expected them to be evil. They were not. They were human and that made my resolve to put my feelings aside and love the babies fully and help with reunification. At one point they had considered her and I doing guest speaking at their foster parent training. That was how well we worked together and because I chose the right thing, regardless of what I wanted so deep down I could feel it in my feet; if you love something, let it go.
Anyway, I was expecting them to go home soon and that made my heart so heavy. I did not want to foster because I did not want to say goodbye. Yet, I knew adopting through foster care was the calling for our family. These three babies were teaching us the ropes of parenthood.
They came home May 2009 and we kept getting vague information on what was going on. We got a copy of the court reports and each court report said something completely different. We would get a good report on the birth parents and start packing them up; sadly, during these episodes I emotionally pulled away from the kids. My walls went up and were made of steel. I hated that it was happening, but I didn’t know how to cope with losing them. Then we would get a report that was very negative for the birth parents and my walls would crash down and I would be ‘available’ to them.
In November, birth mom came to a visit after clearly being battered. Things had changed…
Now birth dad was welcoming a lot of very serious legal issues. The demand of the state was that he not be allowed around the children if reunification occurred.
He was able to have supervised visitation at DHS, only. With birth mom it was rather strange. Started with supervised visits in DHS, at some point we started having them at parks, and then eventually without a caseworker, and at a different building with their infant therapist in attendance. With my daughter it was supervised once a week and it only lasted eight months. Then I was no longer allowed around the birth parents because of a serious incident that professionals failed to break up at DHS in the lobby. Both parents showed up at same time for visitation (I have no idea which one had the wrong date.) There was a restraining order between the two of them because of the DV issues and when I walked into the lobby, I saw birth dad; unexpectedly. The kids were running back and forth from him to me when I turned and saw Kristen (birth mom) standing behind me in the doorway with a “Oh fuck!” look on her face. She was scared. I told her to stay in the hallway; told him to stay in the play area. The kids unknowing anything serious was going on; gleefully played with all three of us. I asked the receptionist to get the woman who supervised visitation. I was literally the only thing between him and Kristen, and my babies were in the room. She never came! It was just me until the actual caseworker was notified and escorted him out explaining was to ALWAYS leave if she was in the same area.
At this point with the Domestic Violence and some other details I will not disclose. We were as far as we understood, headed for parental rights termination. All my walls fell, they had crushed under their own weight into steppingstones. It was always bittersweet. I liked birth mom; I didn’t want her to lose her kids so I could be a mom. That was not right. So, I continued to do all I was asked.
Around March 2010 we had a hearing that we were very confident was going to lead to the termination trial. We were floored by the words out of the judge’s mouth. They were being reunified. I wanted to scream, but I saw such joy on birth moms face. Maybe this is the pain I offer up to Karma to maybe catch a break later. The stipulation was that she finds housing and zero contact with birth father. Also recommended, were reverse visits. The professionals thought because of the tremendous bond the kids had with us we should do ‘reverse visits.’
We agreed.
We had no say. We just found out we were losing our babies and had no damn say. That is a hard pill to swallow.
She agreed.
Reverse visits I cover in a later blog. They were grueling.
She had a felony conviction pertaining to the case with DHS so finding housing was not easy. I could tell she was overwhelmed so I called approximately 30 landlords, told them exactly what she had and asked if they would take her. I FINALLY found a place. A place that a ‘Kansas Princess’ like myself is a little intimidated by. We filled her freezer, gave her everything (made them individual photo books with a letter form us, silver dollars from Christmas, money from Christmas, etc.; in a treasure chest box). We sent everything from their toys, toy box, and blankets to their baby silverware, plates, and sippy cups with them. It was theirs. The only things we kept were their little pillows, a few stuffed animals that reminded us of them, and the very special table my husbands mother picked out and sent.
After it was over, so was our contact with the children. We were devastated. I could not fathom being a mother after this. After I felt that pain. I realized very quickly people do not care if you are a “foster” mom. You should be fine after losing the kids, it was just a job, they were not YOUR kids. No. It is not. It is 100%, 24/7, 365 days. It is the entirety of your heart so that the children in your care feel as though the are engulfed in love and understanding. I was never in the business of being a foster mom, I wanted to adopt. But I ended up a foster mom. Saw the fresh hell they go through on the front lines with children that most likely need therapeutic services, maybe occupational, physical, speech, infant or talk therapy, biofeedback…. you are solely in charge of that schedule… enjoy!
I felt like my soul had been taken! My husband and I grieve very differently. I wanted all the baby stuff out; I could not look at it without a physical reaction, like wanting to vomit. He wanted it all to stay. I once grabbed a screwdriver to disassemble that adorable little table and he basically tackled me in tears. He could not let me “erase” them. Not what I was trying to do; I cried and screamed into pillows almost every night after they were reunified. I see now where he was coming from. It was a miserable time. We had also lost four loved ones in addition to the kids in just the last few years; it was misery all around. My husband told me even my eyes changed during this time. Like they became dull. So, I started selling Mary Kay, and I did really well. It was not my "thing" but...
Mary Kay saved me and gave me a purpose! I would use this as a platform to raise money for people who were struggling. We did a fundraiser for an Animal Rescue and it was matched by us and one other. We also did a fundraiser for a little girl who spends more time in the hospital, than with her family and they need financial support as they are always on the run with her and taking care of her and her older siblings. I believe, I got the ‘Go Give’ award that year. I always get embarrassed when I get an award, even though I know they give it out of respect; I did not do it for the external accolades.
Then we got the “call” again, in mid-June 2010. I saw it was DHS and was confused because I told them we no longer wanted placements. It was the boy’s caseworker and they were in the process of trying to retrieve them. Birth parents had evaded them. It was not until it was agreed upon no cops be involved that the caseworker finally was able to take the boys.
I believe it took six hours to get them back into our custody, more accurately the “states” custody. The twins came in and went straight to the dogs; laughing, saying their names as only a two-year-old can do that melts your heart! Our oldest response was MUCH different. He was only three years old but the fear and confusion in his eyes is a snapshot I carry with me. He did not blink! He walked to my husband and climbed on his lap, just sat there, he did not move, his eyes were wide open and stunned. I have seen that look in his eyes two times since that horrific day. One during the viewing of his grandmother after watching her pass from cancer. He went to the back of the funeral home, plopped down in the chair; there were those eyes and he was frozen. The second time was the day after her funeral. Everyone was emotionally charged. My son and his big cousin got into a name calling match and next thing I know three adults were standing over my son lecturing him on his lying, how he “never tells the truth”, “we can’t believe you”; towering over my child who was seated and quietly listening. I was not okay with the situation, (none of the people lecturing him were his parents and they were all speaking at once.) Then I saw his eyes; those eyes. He was scared, shocked, frozen… I yelled at the adults in the room. I am not normally a reactionary person, but I know what those eyes mean and the emotions they may be sending to the surface.
Weeks after the boys came home for the second time, I got a phone call on a Saturday from a number I didn’t recognize. They kept telling me I had a healthy baby last night. I sure was not pregnant, and I already had three babies; I told them they had the wrong number. Then I got a call directly from our boys’ caseworker, “This is not about the boys, everything is going fine there. Kristen gave birth to a healthy baby last night. Can the baby come home?”
I did say I needed to ask my husband, but said with a laugh. when I called her back that she had already told them we would take baby! We wanted their sibling with them. Our daughter was three days old and 7lbs 9oz the day she came home. More on that later. She came home on July 26, 2010.
Now we were facing mass chaos. Our daughter was born in a different county! So, I had to take her to visits an hour away with traffic and the boys to their visitations. Plus, therapists three times a week for the boys, GAL (occasionally came), Certification worker (monthly) caseworker (monthly) multiplied by TWO because we now “fostered” for dual counties. It was stress central and it got worse; cue double adoption workers (monthly.) GAL means ‘Guardian ad Litem’ according to definition they should be court appointed to children in foster care and represent the “best interest of the child.” Our GAL seemed to have had no compassion for the kids whatsoever! She saw the children the least of any professional involved. In a rare sighting, she stopped by when my daughter was about two weeks old. We were eating lunch and welcomed her to sit with us and help herself; she did.
The boys were all sitting at the table with her and I; our daughter was sleeping in a bassinet very near the table. She asked, “when did you get a new baby?” I replied, confused, “It’s Kristen's.”
“OH! I figured they would let Kristen keep her. She left me a voicemail telling me she was going to be having a baby. But! Now I have to push for parental rights termination. I thought she could do it, but not with a fourth baby.”
I can remember actual pressure in my head. She knew she was pregnant and that I was possibly going to be a mom again and said NOTHING! Said NOTHING to the boy’s caseworker. Whose side are you on lady? I remember thinking. She was supposed to be the boy’s lawyer. They were her determined clients and I felt she was NOT doing her job and to this day do not feel like she did her job. She did not stick up for my kids the way our attorney, birth mom’s attorney, or birth dad’s attorneys did for us. Most foster to adopt parents do not intervene legally in the case. You must meet pretty specific requirements to do it in the first place, such as having the children in your care for a year or more. We were not letting them be jerked around again.
In January 2011 parental rights on both birth parents were terminated. We thought that would be the end. But they had to double check with the Native American tribes and had to rule our relatives again. Then after we were the clear choice, or because the therapist said the damage that was being done would be irreversible if it did not stop. My oldest had SIX moves before his adoption and the twins had FIVE. They were babies and they were robbed because of adult choices. Their birth father was also arrested during the termination trail. He freaked out on the kid’s therapist, our attorney, my husband, and I. Screaming, “Why the hell am I even here if you are going to adopt them to these people!” That is when the caseworker popped her head in the courtroom and said it was time. There was a warrant out for his arrest, and they took him away and brought him back in shackles. I was actually really sad, as his mother was sitting directly behind me and I heard her sigh when they brought him out like that. What heartache she must have felt. Regardless of how she felt/feels about me, I felt for her in that moment. Birth mom did not show up. She walked away. Later, she told me why she did not do a “goodbye” visit or come to the trial. She said, “In the end it didn’t matter who they ended up with. Me or you. It just needed to end.” When you love some one enough to let go... I knew the feeling.
June 17, 2011 our dreams came true and they were officially ours! *More on that the 17th!*
Our story is actually one of the better I have heard. I know couples who stopped trying to adopt through foster care after several failed adoptive placements. I know some that give and give and give all day every day and you foster parents deserve so much more recognition; every time you help put a family back together you are healing someone else with your pain, your tears. Admirable. Respect foster parents. They are a huge asset to our society; value them!
Our daughter was a much easier ordeal! Parental Rights were terminated in May 2011 and she was adopted on October 12, 2011. The county we adopted her from is miles ahead of the county we adopted the boys from.
Again… just a piece of our story… I hope it helps someone else. Keep an eye out on Facebook @mandafriends, Twitter @MandaJones09, or Manda & Friends on Pinterest; for more detailed accounts of events that occurred before, during, and after June 17, 2011.
Editor's Notes:
Some names have been changed to respectfully protect their identity.
PCOS - Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome
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